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Heavy Heart

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I pride myself in being able to find the lesson behind every struggle in life.  I really try to find a positive within every negative.  I believe everything happens for a reason, and often times I try very hard to find that reason.  But, there are certain things I will just never understand.

I’ll never understand the reason for tragic happenings.  Is it so people learn to appreciate others while they can?  Possibly.

I’ll never understand the reason for suffering and cruelty.  Is it so people to appreciate their life and what they have?  Perhaps.

But what drives me nuts, that I will never understand is why bad things happen to good people, and sometimes those bad things happen repeatedly.

I’ve heard that if you have to go through something again, it’s because you didn’t learn the proper lesson the first time.  I don’t think that’s true though.  You see, I was a dancer (in my heart I always will be), and unfortunately I was cheated out of a dance career.  My first studio trained me wrong, so when I switched studios (to the one that I work at now and absolutely love), the muscle memory was basically shot.  About four years ago I had knee surgery in hopes of being able to get back into the studio and learn things the correct way.  I tore my meniscus and then my knee cap was twisted and off track.  Well, luck wasn’t on my side, and the surgery really didn’t work.  Fun stuff right?  How did I not know this? Well, I have a high tolerance for pain and I just used to strap a brace on it and keep dancing.

If you’ve read my other blog post about cyberbullying, you would know that I dealt with cyberbullies and it was Hell.  Through all that chaos, dance was the one thing that kept me sane.  I say all the time that dance saved me.  It absolutely did.  I didn’t have time to feel sorry for myself being bullied because I had dance class.  There wasn’t time for tears because I had a dance competition and I couldn’t mess up my make up!  I may have had no friends in school at one point, but I had them at the studio.  So, to have that taken from me was not an easy thing to understand in my head.

After the surgery and an intense amount of physical therapy (luckily my physical therapist was awesome… and it’s a plus he looks like Freddy Prinze Jr.), my knee still was not back to the “norm.”  Knowing that I wouldn’t be able to progress as a dancer, because I physically couldn’t, was something that really bothered me for a very long time.  It still does.  When I switched studios I remembered why it was I danced in the first place.  I fell back in love with dance, and then was forced to stop.  It didn’t seem fair to me.

Still, I managed to seek out a lesson there.  I figured it was to see the value of creative expression.  Maybe it was to lead me to writing.  I always loved to write, but I planned on having a career that dealt with the dance world.  I tried really hard to figure out why I had to go through that.  I thought it was pretty impressive to even think that way after being so upset.  I was able to come to terms with the fact that yes, Kristina you had knee surgery and you will never be able to dance at the level you once wished.

Here’s what I don’t get.  Four years later, my other knee starts bothering me.  Bothering me to the point where I even cry, which is a big deal for me.  I go to the doctor for it, get an X-ray, get an MRI… talk about deja vu.  And what’s the result?  A twisted knee cap.  Again.  How does that make sense?

Why do I have to deal with all this yet again?  Nothing is sure yet, and hey – physical therapy with the Freddy Prinze Jr. look alike may be all it takes, but still I’ve dealt with this already.  What lesson have I not dug out of this situation the first time?  I’m at a loss.  And yeah, I’m aware this blog post may sound like a rant, but this is the only way I can get some sort of “therapy” here.

Keeping things in perspective, I know things could be way worse, but in the moment – it doesn’t exactly cool the burn.  I’m a good person.  I find the lesson in things.  I work my butt off.  I help others.  What’s the lesson here?  Could it be that sometimes there is no lesson to be learned?  Could it be that the Universe and/or God (or whatever type of head honcho you believe in) has to distribute certain issues to everyone and this just happens to be mine?  I guess in a sense then that still makes me extremely lucky.  And I think the fact that I’m able to say that through all of this is a big assessment of my character.  Maybe that’s why I have to deal with this again; to prove that my spirit can’t ever be broken, even with a heavy heart.


3 thoughts on “Heavy Heart

  1. Hugs, I can relate to a lot of what you say. I wish I could understand. I think much of life is about faith – faith in not knowing or understanding why but trusting there is a path and we will find it. Thinking of you.

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